Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Step 9 Making My Amends

Step 9 says: "Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. "

Well, after I made my list in Step 8, my sponsor stopped me in my tracks. She said... what about yourself? What have you done to yourself that you need to make amends for? Well, I had never thought of that. I was never good enough to have someone make amends to me... never the less, me making amends to myself! As I pondered over that thought, I was reminded of the times I overate just to get away from the problem, how I would go to sleep instead of facing it, or even just isolating and not sharing with someone else for fear that they might find out about the "real" me. I always felt I was bad and it was confirmed over and over because I never kept up with other people's expectations for me. Then I would punish myself for being such a failure. What did it get me? Tons of illnesses that I can't fix now. I can try to live life better and maybe improve, but I wonder if I will ever be totally healed. Only God knows the answer to that one! So here I am making my amends to myself. Taking time to learn about me, who I am, what I want, what I need, and how to live life to its fullest.

Then the others came to mind. Some of the amends I made were done verbally, some were by a letter. I even had to just change the way I talked with one person to make my amends. I felt they were so much like me that they needed punished too! (I am so glad that God reminds us of where our place in life is! I am not God... so stop doing His job.) There was one person that I couldn't talk to about what had happened. In doing so, I could cause major damage to her life. So, I chose to just talk it out with my sponsor and love the person for who she was. It was hard to talk with her because I still felt the guilt. That was when a loving friend reminded me once more that I am not God. I cannot keep feeling the guilt and love myself. I needed to let it go. Well, that was the hardest lesson I think I have ever had to learn. I am grateful for the lesson, but I pray that I never have to go through that again.

Today I make amends daily. I review my day and apologize when I feel God nudging me to do it. He is really good at keeping my "side of the street clean". May your day be one filled with love. May you find that your amends list is small and that the one you love today should be You!

Hugs to ya! Cindy

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