Monday, May 08, 2006

Step 8 "Made a list..."

Step 8 "Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all."

When I took this step I began to write down just about everyone I knew. Why? Because I thought knowing me had harmed them in some way. I had failed them. I felt I was a failure so this had to include everyone. As I shared my list with my sponsor, she reminded me of one person that I had omitted... ME! I had been downing myself so much that I didn't see how it was affecting me. I was always comparing myself to others, feeling inadequate for the job, the task, etc. I never believed in myself. Truthfully, I was harming myself more than anyone else on the list. So, I thought it best to put me at the top of this list!

Next it says to become willing to make amends to them all. Hmm?? Do I really want to let my anger, fears, and hatred go? It has given me fuel for so many fires in my life for years.. do I really want to change that? What if God asks me to make amends and I am not willing? Will He give up on me? I don't think that anything we could do will ever make God give up on us. He knows what our potential is. He believes in us even when we don't believe in ourself.

As I look at this step today, I see that some of the people I have become willing to make amends to have not changed. They are the same as they were that day I gave it to HP. However, I am different. I have had an attitude change and today I know that whatever they think is none of my business. What is my business is what God thinks of me. Today I see this is where willingness comes in. I am willing to make amends, but acceptance from that person only comes when they are ready. I can't change them. I just have to remember that everything happens in God's time and maybe it isn't time for them to change yet. I just need to work on me. In doing that, I have a full time job!

Is it time for another gratitude list?

1 comment:

LibrarianOnTheLoose said...

I just started working on this step for the first time. I am having a hard time with a powerful boss I had, whether or not I will need to make amends to him. I need to talk to my sponsor about it. Also lots of guys I dated that I don't know how to contact, and might not remember their names! I was most afraid of step 9 when I first joined OA, but having been through step 4 -7 I am looking forward to completing the job.